Sheryl Griffin
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Victim and Perpetrator 

9/20/2016

52 Comments

 
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July 25, 2016 is marked forever in our family as the date on my mother in law's death certificate. Although the police and coroner are relatively certain she died on July 23, 2016, however, because she wasn't found until July 25th that is the date used. The official cause of death is suicide. She shot herself on the right side of her head, her finger was still in place on the trigger when our son found her Monday July 25th, to pick her up for our family dinner and game night. She was 69 years old.

My mother in law, Michelle Griffin was a complex person. She was eccentric and conventional. She was fiercely strong and independent, yet ended up depressed and weak. She was creative, but uninspired in the end. She was an extrovert who ended up being an introvert. She was passive and aggressive. She had a fun sense of humor along with a warped sense of humor. She was colorful, but often simple. She could be profoundly generous and miserly meager. She had high expectations, yet she was filled with hopelessness. She wanted friends, but chose to isolate. She told herself she was worthy, however, she never allowed herself to believe it. She made lists and notes and wrote in journals, although in the end, there were not any notes, lists, or current journal entries. She could build you up and tear you down. She had wise advice, but never chose it for herself. She was a caretaker who didn't always take care of herself. She would follow directions or chose to “jimmy rig” whatever it was if the directions didn't suit her. She kept everything (and I mean EVERYTHING), yet maintained order. She could care less about others opinions and still be haunted by what they thought of her. She would prefer to pay a bill in person to save a stamp, yet use gas to get there. She would compliment a meal and then tell you how she would make it differently.

She believed in communication, but often miscommunicated and spoke in circles. She wanted help yet, refused all of the options. She wanted relationship but waited for others to initiate. She enjoyed rib-eye steak, fruits and vegetables, food with great flavor and smell, however in the end, she preferred to eat plain oatmeal and cottage cheese. She set boundaries and then complained when you complied. She wanted to be loved unconditionally, yet often her love had conditions. She was respectful and critical. She loved learning and pursued a successful career in nursing and law, however, she wouldn't use her knowledge for her mental or physical health benefit.

She loved California and hated Tennessee. She was afraid of being a single mother after her husband left, yet she raised an amazing son and instilled in him the very worth she needed. She was protective, yet a firm believer in young independence. She was extravagant and thrifty. She loved life and she hated life. She wanted to live and she wanted to die. She wanted us to take her to the gun shop to buy bullets (which we refused) yet she had hidden 5 bullets, two of which fit perfectly inside the small chamber of an old gun that belonged to her second husband. The other three bullets were left undiscovered only until recently, in a box amongst memorabilia waiting perhaps to be used in case she missed.

To quote a family friend who also has had to face the choice of a suicidal loved one, “My dad and I were told that suicide survivors experience "complicated grief" because the victim and the perpetrator were the same person.”

As I have dealt with my own grief and the many questions as well as guilt (Did I do enough? Was I enough? What could I have done differently?) in my quest for answers it appears there is not a magical (one size fits all) answer to helping someone you love who is depressed and suicidal. You can listen. You can pray. You can encourage. You can be there to help a much as possible and is reasonable. You can take them to doctor appointments. You can call 911. You can take them to the hospital. You can bring a meal. You can invite them to outings and events. You can create weekly family dinners and game night. You can do all of this and more, but in the end, it's still their choice. It's still their life. They have to be willing to do whatever it takes to crawl out of the valley of the shadow of death. And sometimes they just give up.

Michelle, you are missed. You are loved. You are forgiven. You are honored. You still matter. Your story isn't over because we are going to speak up and speak out and share, so that hopefully even one life can be changed and saved.

If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts please seek help NOW.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 (available 24 hrs everyday)

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39



52 Comments
Kara Coats
9/20/2016 02:35:26 pm

Amazing insight. So complicated. No easy answers. You define this unspeakable incident in such a balanced and real way. I would expect nothing less, as the beautiful and effective communicator you are. Keep processing out loud. It is helpful to many.

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Sheryl Griffin
9/20/2016 03:24:45 pm

Thank you Kara! Your words encourage me!

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Beth Waller link
9/20/2016 03:10:37 pm

Wow, how beautifully written, I absolutely love the title, how true.

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Sheryl Griffin
9/20/2016 03:25:18 pm

Thank you Beth!

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Julie Hunt link
9/20/2016 03:43:39 pm

Sheryl- I applaud your courage and weep for your loss. What a beautiful, sincere, and honest tribute for your dear mother-in-law.
This is inspiring for so many who face "complicated grief." May God continue to heal your heart and may your words encourage others to love the people around them, in spite of the sad decisions they make.

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Sheryl Griffin
9/20/2016 03:51:31 pm

Thank you very much Julie! I appreciate you taking time to read my post and encourage me :)

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Kim
9/20/2016 03:59:41 pm

I really respect how honest and true this post is. Thank you for allowing us to see this and for sharing for all who are still struggling on either caregiver side or as one who deals with depression. Peace to your family as you grieve.

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Sheryl
9/20/2016 04:12:40 pm

Kim, Thank you very much for your kind words and encouragement. This blog is certainly part of my healing process but I (and my family) still have much to go. I appreciate you taking time to read and encourage me!

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Jason bennett
9/20/2016 04:26:05 pm

Honesty! Great piece!

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Sheryl
9/21/2016 09:08:02 am

Thank you very much Jason!

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Suzette Greer
9/20/2016 04:28:42 pm

This was such a heartfelt, beautiful and wise blog post. I know it took a lot out of you to write this, but thank you for sharing so much of your life to help so many others. 💖💖
She was the perfect contradiction and I know she enjoyed every bit of it. Being that young Frankenstein was her favorite Christmas movie, I'm curious if she saw the complexity of creation, both in the persecuted Christ child and the misunderstood monster.
She seemed to find the beauty of contradiction, it's humor, it's finicky ever changing style... But one thing I do know for sure, and there was no reverse side to this, she only had love for you all. The greatest of love. It may have seemed strained, or strange at times, but it was pure love. I love you dear friend. Thank you for your heart. 💖💖💖

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Sheryl
9/21/2016 12:33:42 pm

Thank my dear friend! I love you! You know me and my heart so well! Your words ALWAYS mean so much to me! Thank you!

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Teresa
9/20/2016 04:47:00 pm

Sheryl, that was beautiful.

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Sheryl
9/21/2016 09:10:26 am

Teresa thank you so much for your words.

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Debbie Cunningham link
9/20/2016 05:19:28 pm

Oh Cheryl what a beautiful ,truthful and wise reflection of Michelle. Thank you for having the courage to share such a tender story to shed light on the struggle of depression and suicide. I know you loved your mother in law well and I will continue to pray for your family as they go through this process of grief. May you truly finds God's strength sustaining you and granting you peace in the days ahead. Love you friend.

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Sheryl
9/21/2016 09:12:22 am

Debbie Thank you for your words! They mean a lot to me. I'm glad you had opportunity to meet her at the few CWIMA meetings I could encourage her to attend with me.

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Heather Erlandson
9/20/2016 06:20:56 pm

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother-in-law, and your son's experience in finding her. Thank you, though, so very much for writing and sharing this. She sounds so much like my mother that they could have been twins--the age, nursing career, single mother, characteristics, and the gun. I've kept that worry in the back of my mind for a few years now, and this helps me to feel not so alone or that I'm doing the wrong things. It's so difficult to be the sole caretaker of someone with depression, physical disabilities, and yet, still independent and cognizant of her choices. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

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Sheryl
9/21/2016 09:15:33 am

Heather you are not alone! My heart is overwhelmed in a good way to all of the encouragements, kind words, and similar stories or situations...it helps me and our family to know we are NOT alone either. I'll be praying for you and your mother! ❤️

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Sherry Brisch
9/20/2016 06:29:21 pm

Cheryl,
What a beautiful tribute to your mom in law. Being a survivor myself, I firsthand know the misunderstood whys and complex contrasts of the minds of depressed people. With every suicide, I think a little part of us dies along with their incomplete legacies. Although I have never grasped all the answers of why, I think that knowing that we were not responsible for their death is the most freeing step. They say guilt and forgiveness are the deepest scar...I found self forgiveness for not seeing it and helping my husband to heal from his profound pain. Last night at bible study, I heard that God writes his words on our hearts but it is not until our hearts break, do His words go into our hearts. Hold onto your insight, your memories and even your pain so that it can continue to bring truth and compassion as well as the face of a person you loved to the tragedy of suicide. 1000 people walked in the AFSP walk Out of Darkness suicide prevention walk at music row this year. It just goes to show you how many unite in the complicated grief of suicide survival, even those who struggle themselves. You are already a powerful advocate to give a voice and a heart to those who cannot speak.

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Sheryl
9/21/2016 09:19:13 am

Sherry thank you so much for your words! Thank you for sharing so open and honestly too! Hopefully next year our family can join the Out of Darkness walk! Thank you again for encouraging me. ❤️

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Pat Virgin
9/20/2016 07:14:31 pm

Wow, so well written, My heart breaks for you and for your family. I will keep you all in my prayers.

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Sheryl
9/21/2016 09:19:50 am

Patrick thank you so much for your words!

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Dawna link
9/20/2016 11:12:43 pm

Sheryl that was beautiful.I listened to Doug & Jaci and they lift me up I suffered with depression and take medication for it. I am sorry for your loss.

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Sheryl
9/21/2016 09:21:33 am

Dawna thank you for taking time to read and respond to my blog post. Depression is real and in glad your under a doctors care. I will be praying for you! And thank you for listening to my husband and Jaci ❤️

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Judy Herrig
9/21/2016 11:51:59 am

Thank you for sharing! You are a blessing to soooo many!

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Sheryl
9/21/2016 12:35:29 pm

Thank you Judy! I appreciate you taking time to read and encourage me!

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Natalie Villalobos
9/21/2016 12:50:43 pm

Sheryl thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable. I am praying for you and your family. I believe God will use her story to help save others. Xo

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Sheryl
9/22/2016 08:13:59 pm

Thank you my friend! oxoxo

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Katie Cox
9/21/2016 02:49:59 pm

Thank you for sharing, Sheryl.

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Sheryl
9/22/2016 08:14:57 pm

Thank you for reading this and taking time to encourage me Katie :)

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Kimberly Bindel
9/21/2016 04:48:21 pm

My precious friend, you continue to honor Michelle as you process the heartbreaking truth and reality of her horrible choice. I know that this had to be a painful and a beautiful step for you to express all the complexity of your relationship with her. I know God will use it as He continues to hold you all during this tender time. Love you and miss you dearly. Hugs.

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Sheryl
9/22/2016 08:19:55 pm

Kim I love you and I so appreciate your encouragement! I love you and I know you know! oxoxo

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Joanna Mitchell
9/21/2016 05:42:42 pm

Sheryl - I met you 1 1/2 years ago in Dallas at CWIMA. I follow your posts and often repost them. I'm so sorry your family had to go through this and also sorry that your mother-in-law was not able to enjoy life. She sounds like she was very conflicted. I'm presently learning a lot about suicide and will soon be working as a coach to help stop suicide with veterans and others. I am grateful to be able to get the training to offer a different option as best I can. Thank you for bravely posting your honest thoughts and how you are still honoring her - that's very admirable. I know it's nothing you want to be admired for, but people can take courage from your words. Hugs to you!

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Sheryl
9/22/2016 08:25:18 pm

Hi Joanna! Of course I remember you! Thank you for your encouragement and support! Interesting that you are volunteering with Veterans and suicide. PTSD and suicide are sadly common amongest our veterans but also our civilians...different reasons but bottom line is same issues. There is HOPE but "they" have to want to it and need to hear HOPE! I will be praying for you and your new journey! God bless you Joanna!

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Barbara Pitts
9/21/2016 07:08:18 pm

Sheryl this so beautiful. Everything you said is so true. She was that sweet lady. Yet hard to get close to. She is truly missed

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Sheryl
9/22/2016 08:27:10 pm

Barbara, THIS is the response I truly needed to move a little more forward...you knew her well...you lived life with her. THANK YOU for your words and encouragement! I look forward to seeing this summer and hope to connect more with you! oxoxoxo

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Karin
9/21/2016 09:01:21 pm

Beautiful, sorry for your family's. Will keep you all in my prayers.

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Sheryl
9/22/2016 08:27:46 pm

Thank you Karin! :)

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Judy Berryhill
9/22/2016 03:25:17 am

In God's plan, He has used mothers to unite us and strengthen and support us once again. I lost my mom to undetected brain cancer June 20. She died at home in hospice care only 5 weeks after diagnosis. I have bipolar disorder and have struggled with mania and depression for 30 years. I knew Doug's mom had passed yet being focused on my own pain surrounding mom's homecoming, only yesterday on Doug's show did I learn it was from suicide. He said he hoped your family's sharing openly would save one life. Well...it has...mine. I have according to my therapist been preparing to die daily instead of living life daily. Thank you for sharing this very right on description of Michelle. Her juxtaposed life mirrors my own. I know this does not sound very important, but I went yesterday and bought bulbs to plant. I will use the planting of bulbs to be a promise and commitment to myself to stay around in order to see the bulbs bloom this time next year. I plant them in Michelle's memory. Praying for your family and Garret as I know his trauma is great and deep. Keep being honest. You never know who you will touch and save.

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Kristine
9/22/2016 06:05:27 pm

I will be praying for you Judy. Take lots of pictures and post them when those beautiful flowers bloom.

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Sheryl
9/22/2016 08:37:19 pm

YES YES YES I just said that without even reading your comment! oxoxox Love it!

Sheryl
9/22/2016 08:35:51 pm

Judy you have touched our entire family! THANK YOU!!! I would love to see pictures of you planting the bulbs and also of them sprouting and blooming!!! You've made our day!

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Karen Phillips
9/22/2016 03:51:20 am

Sheryl,
Thank you for sharing this. I empathize with your husband and you. My father took his own life almost two decades ago, and like your husband, I found my dad's body. I remember that raw, raw grief of the first year. So hard and filled with so many questions. And emotions. And PTSD. Surviving from a loved one's suicide is no different than being caught up in the middle of a war, then coming home to live again. I love Paul's thought from Roman's that you shared. It is something that I've used like a touchstone, rubbing my thoughts across to reassure myself that my father's soul is well now. I appreciate your courage to share about your mother-in-law, Sheryl. Love and blessings to your dear family.

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Sheryl
9/22/2016 08:38:59 pm

Thank you Karen! Your words and encouragement touch me deeply! Thank you!

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Debbie Burger
9/22/2016 06:13:42 am

Sheryl, amazing words given to you by our LORD. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, they will be a guiding light to many. As having several members of my family that have taken their life I feel your hurt and lose. I praise GOD for your gift of writing! It will no doubt help so many! Miss you dear friend!

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Sheryl
9/22/2016 08:41:53 pm

Debbie you are a treasure and we are grateful that we have you in our life. Who knew the sweet nurse that consoled and comforted us with our newborn son when he was sick or had to get shots would be in our lives as long as you have and encourage our family as much as you have! THANK YOU!

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Jonathan
9/22/2016 10:40:44 am

Will be praying for your family. I am very blessed by the Doug and Jaci radio show on a regular basis.

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Sheryl
9/22/2016 08:45:27 pm

Jonathan, Thank you very much! I appreciate your encouragement!

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Kathy
9/24/2016 07:34:32 am

I am so very sorry for your loss. She is no longer in pain and for sure God has forgiven her and she is now in his heavenly kingdom.

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Sheryl
9/30/2016 11:32:52 am

Thank you Kathy.

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Shana
9/29/2016 05:41:47 pm

My sweet friend. I am so proud of you for being brave enough to share the truth. I know this was hard to write, and yet you did it anyway. Thank you. Everything you said is very true and eye opening. It is still hard to imagine Shel is gone, and yet through it all, I know God has a plan and He is carrying all of you in the palm of His hands. Love you my friend.

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Sheryl
9/30/2016 11:33:52 am

Thank you Shana! I love you! Your words and deeds bless me!

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         Sheryl Griffin

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    As an author and speaker, I desire to encourage others in their search for hope.  I invite you to follow my blog as I write from my heart, my experiences, and from a biblical perspective.  The topics I blog about vary from writing about my testimony, my marriage to Doug, parenting, forgiveness, and much more.  I welcome your comments and feedback and encourage you to check back often.  There is always hope!  


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