Sheryl Griffin
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What, Why, and When of Boundaries- Part Two

7/18/2014

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Yesterday I focused on the what and why of boundaries....today the focus will be on the when.  When are boundaries necessary?  How will you know IF a boundary is needed?  

Unfortunately, there isn't a one size fits all when it comes to boundaries and knowing when to place them.  Each situation and personality is unique, and what works for one, may not work for another.  Sometimes you will need to dig deeper into the situation before you know what and when  a particular boundary is needed.

Key Questions To Ask Yourself  (When or If A Boundary Is Necessary):

1. Is this person or situation causing you to feel uncomfortable, anxious, angry, guilty, or ashamed?

2. Is this person or situation causing you to neglect your relationship with God, your spouse, children, or family? 

3. Is this person or situation causing you to disregard your personal needs (emotionally, spiritually, academically, financially, or physically)? 


4. Is this person or situation placing you in an unhealthy or potentially dangerous situation?


5. Is this person or situation inviting you (willingly or unwilling) to go against standards, values, expectations, or morals that require secretiveness that if found out would create stress, anxiety, fear, or concern to those who know you and care about your well-being? 

In order to effectively answer these questions in any given situation you need to know yourself well (what do you think, feel, believe etc) and you must be willing to recognize that you have a personal responsibility and accountability before God. While there IS grace, mercy, and forgiveness for those who are truly repentant, there is still accountability and we will answer before God. There is an immense difference in supporting, encouraging, and being a team player, or even a "good friend," and that of being uncomfortable, stressed, or feel the need to be secretive due to guilt, shame, or not wanting accountability.  

Areas Where Boundaries May Be Necessary:

1. Over committing. Some people are great at delegating and filling positions or responsibilities, however, there is a fine line in feeling guilty and in taking reasonable responsibility.  We can't fill every need and responsibility especially at the expense of one of the Key Questions listed above.   Find the balance and if your plate is genuinely full it's okay to say, "No." This may not be your season and that is okay.  Sometimes we step up only because someone needs to do it or we have been asked and are afraid to say,"No." When we step in for these reasons it becomes a quality over quantity issue. Guilt over desire.  Be committed to being a quality volunteer or doer. Be aware of only saying, "Yes" because you are to afraid to say, "No." 

2. Some people are more needy than others and if you tend to be a care giver type or a leader it is easy for others to monopolize your time and zap your emotional or physical energy, all without malicious intent.  These boundaries are challenging to enforce because it usually involves family or close friends and there is a genuine need that is not manipulative. It's important to be able to place whatever boundaries may be necessary in order to maintain a quality relationship. Be committed to being fully present, fully engaged, and being a quality care giver or leader within your family or circle of close friends and this will help you know what those particular boundaries may need to look like and feel like.   

3. If someone is asking you to compromise your values, morals, or beliefs to justify their behavior or desires, that is clearly a red flag. If you feel obligated out of guilt, fear, or coerced, you need to place a firm boundary and quite possibly consider removing yourself from this persons life.  This is a red flag of a potential abuser or manipulator. Red flags usually don't change color. 

Recognizing boundary needs is not easy, however, once you begin to see boundaries as a positive and a way to be more effective and present within your family, circle of friends, church, work, etc. you will find yourself feeling more confident and hopeful!  


Remember healthy boundaries allow you to have empathy (understanding) for others without taking responsibility for them. Finding a balance between taking care of yourself (emotionally) and being there for others, without being manipulated, abused, or intimidated (whether intentionally or not).

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23

For nothing will be impossible with God. Luke 1:3

There is always HOPE!




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What, Why, and When of Boundaries- Part One

7/17/2014

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Boundaries can conjure up a negative picture. I use to think of boundaries as intimidating or harsh. I would feel guilty or wrong for thinking of placing a boundary in a relationship. What I know now is that boundaries are safe. Boundaries are good.  Boundaries define you in your values, beliefs, and character. 

Those of us who struggle with co-dependency and low self-esteem tend to have a hard time understanding and embracing boundaries. We become comfortable staying within other peoples boundaries versus creating our own, mostly out of fear of hurting or disappointing someone.  


Healthy boundaries allow you to have empathy (understanding) for others without taking responsibility for them. Finding a balance between taking care of yourself (emotionally) and being there for others, without being manipulated, abused, or intimidated (whether intentionally or not).

Once you decide to place specific boundaries it will be a process of following through. There will be people in your life (and even the devil) who will work hard to gray your line (your boundary) and before you know it, you begin to move across or allow in slowly, but steadily the very things, situations, or people you originally tried to protect yourself from. 

Boundaries are connected to self-worth and by seeing yourself as "worthy" you recognize that you are intentionally and purposefully created by God. You matter!

For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in  my mothers womb.

 Psalm 139:13

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. Jeremiah 1:5


Authors Dr.Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have said in their book, Boundaries "You are the one who must take control of the aspects of your life and exercise the freedom and responsibility that God has given you. And remember, where He has given you control, He will hold you accountable."


We are each responsible and accountable for our own actions and choices.  It's not our place to answer for someone else or to own their responsibility.  It's also not up to others to be responsible for our choices.  If you find yourself running in the "victim circle" take ownership and move forward.  

Something to ask yourself:  
1. Is there an area or relationship in your life where you need to consider placing a boundary?  
2. Have you allowed or made someone else responsible for your choices or actions?

If you answered yes to either one of these questions....what are you willing to do TODAY to move forward in a healthy way?  

There is always HOPE!



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Look Who Is Reading A Scarlet Cord of Hope!

7/2/2014

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My husband had a surprise for me... He and Jaci interviewed Guy Gilchrist (comic artist for Nancy) earlier in the day for their Morning Show (94fm The Fish - Your Family Friendly Morning Show with Doug and Jaci Velasquez). My husband recently met Mr. Gilchrist at an event and it turned out they were each big fans of one another!  They also had a lot in common. After the interview Mr. Gilchrist offered to draw something for each of them and my husband asked if he would draw Aunt Fritzi from the Nancy comic strip and show her reading my book A Scarlet Cord of Hope.

Mr. Gilchrist has no idea how much this means to me and how God has used his gift and talent to bless and remind me that He has a plan and a purpose- in spite of my past!  As a woman who never had a desire to write a book or speak publicly about my life, God continues to open doors and make it obvious that this IS His will and purpose. God has proven over and over that He has taken my scarlet cord of guilt, shame, and fear and given me a scarlet cord of HOPE! This reminder has come at such a pivotal time for me with the release of the updated and expanded edition of A Scarlet Cord of Hope. 


Guy Gilchrist is the cartoonist for the Nancy comic strip and he has also drawn with Jim Henson- The Muppet cartoon strip, Looney Tunes, Tom and Jerry, Fraggel Rock, Pink Panther, he was the co-creator of The Muppet Babies, and MORE! He is also the author of 56 books, a husband, father, and grandfather....he speaks, entertains, and writes songs.

 
Click HERE for the interview with Doug and Jaci 

Click HERE to see the art that Guy drew for Doug and Jaci's 

Click HERE for the official Nancy and Sluggo website and to learn more about Guy Gilchrist.

You can follow Guy on: Twitter

There is always HOPE!




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         Sheryl Griffin

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    As an author and speaker, I desire to encourage others in their search for hope.  I invite you to follow my blog as I write from my heart, my experiences, and from a biblical perspective.  The topics I blog about vary from writing about my testimony, my marriage to Doug, parenting, forgiveness, and much more.  I welcome your comments and feedback and encourage you to check back often.  There is always hope!  


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